November 23, 2020
As this year is drawing to an end, I can't help but wonder how the hell I got here?
I mean literally, how did I get here?
I woke up 7 days ago with this mental fog. The day before I had spent the day before indulging on mimosas. COVID has does a number on my mental health. On Monday I woke up with a hangover that was unrelenting. I felt as though I had drank my body weight in vodka. As I napped on the couch for the day, repeatedly attacking myself for allowing my 31 year old body to get that hungover. I helplessly counted down the hours until bedtime so I would be able to wake up the next day with a clear mind.
Unfortunately when I woke up on Tuesday, I felt as though I was still in a mental fog I couldn't explain. It felt as though I was stuck between being asleep and awake. Like I was still hungover, but felt normal. I felt forgetful and hazy but I wasn't. Very hard to explain....
On Tuesday I had sworn to Beans that we would go for a walk, and I would clean and grocery shop. I ended up spending the day on the couch, napping for most of the day.
On Wednesday I woke up, after sleeping 13 hours, feeling much the same. There was no way this was a hangover anymore. Something else was going on.
In March of 2020, I developed my first Migraine. Minor headache with changing sensation in my fingertips. It lasted 10 days before I insisted on an MRI at the local ER. The MRI was completely negative and I was told that I may have developed migraines. But I had never gotten headaches before? After a few weeks the pain decreased but never really seemed to go away. There was always a small ache in the center of my skull.
This was somewhat similar and yet different. I did not have any headache, But my mind felt groggy, and foggy. I forced myself to grocery shop and walk the dog, as I had neglected my duties as a dog mom and grocery shopper the day before. I was able to write my grocery list, and mail some packages. After meal prepping, cleaning my apartment and walking the dog, I found myself napping on the couch for the rest of the evening.
I woke up at 11am the next morning, knowing I had work at 12pm. Normally I sleep 8-9 hours a night but I had slept 14 hours. I still felt foggy. I was also noticing that I felt shaky. I felt slightly unsteady. My vision seemed to be shaky. If I attempted to stare straight, I felt a flutter in my vision. Nystagmus possibly? My nurse brain attempting to groggily dissect what I was actually experiencing. Nystagmus is a vision condition in which the eyes make repetitive, uncontrolled movements. These movements often result in reduced vision and depth perception and can affect balance and coordination.
If this was a hangover, it wasn't fair. I felt a heaviness behind my eyes. Not quite pressure, not quite heaviness. Very hard to explain. My vision was intact and yet felt like it was off. I felt shaky, but didn't appear so. I felt unsteady but wasn't. I can't explain it. As the work hours passed, I realized that time was flying. For some reason keeping track of time seemed more difficult and actually was not.
On Friday I woke expecting that nothing would improve and I was not surprised. My head felt the same. I went to work. I was almost getting used to this foggy-like feeling. I messaged an old friend, a resident Neurosurgical resident I had met a few years previously through work and asked his advice.
"It sounds like a concussion." Was his response. But I hadn't hit my head. Or had I? I was having a tough time remembering.
March 7, 2022...
Looking back at this draft, I wonder why I never finished it? Actually I know exactly why I never finished it. I totally forgot about it. I was having an intensely difficult time verbalizing what was happening to me. I couldn't focus. Something felt extremely off. I was forgetful, hence the unfinished draft. I once left for work with no shoes on during this time. It was horrifying. I was terrified. After weeks of the mental fog, I was nearly used to it, and before I had time to focus on it anymore, I was off to the AZT.
I am not exactly sure if the mental fog ever did completely go away or I simply got used to it. I still find myself sleeping more each night and never feeling rested. But 6 months of nightshift may have something to do with that.
The only time I felt "normal" was on the AZT and the CDT last year. When I was doing something very physical with my body and mind.
To this day, I still have a low grade headache most days, in the center of my brain. A low, mild pressure in my head. I can feel tension down my neck and in the center of my brain, if that makes sense. It is usually so mild that I nearly forget about it until the pain spikes due to standing up too fast, not nearly enough caffeine, or changing my sleep schedule due to my ever changing night shift schedule.
What did happen to me in 2020? I suppose we may never know.