I’m Afraid of What I’ve Already Conquered

As the reality of hiking the Pacific Crest Trail seems to be further away, I realized that I forgot about that girl named Rocket. A woman who hiked herself from Georgia to Maine. Who triumphed over all odds to complete a 2200 mile journey on her own. She returned home, a new woman, with plans to fulfill her future goals.

I swore I never would, but I’ve become fully immersed in society again. I’ve become

concerned with my reputation, material possessions, my appearance, and “fitting in”.

Knowing that my PCT hike is going to postponed until 2021 and possibly not getting to distance hike this year, I’ve fallen down my own rabbit hole. I forgot the solace and peace I found on trail.

Over the last few months my anxiety has been through the roof, my ability to relax has been nonexistent, and my country has been plagued with arguments and hostility. I couldn’t figure out why. Why was the world getting to me, and making me feel terrible? Why did I feel like I wasn’t fitting into the mold I was supposed to?

All of this animosity has crossed over into how I felt about myself as a thru-hiker. Recently the idea of hiking the PCT has terrified me. For some reason, even though I’ve lived in the forest for five and a half months at a time, the PCT felt foreign to me. I kept thinking of snakes and wildlife, falling trees and inclement weather. It felt like somehow I’d never make it out there on trail for 4-6 months.

it was almost as though I forgot who I was last year. I was a smelly, rugged and accomplished thru-hiker. I lived and thrived amongst the trees, the wildlife and the rain. I kept thinking about all that could go wrong, and being afraid of the dark. It was like thru-hiking the AT didn’t happen for me. It was all a dream.

Everything about the PCT terrified me all

of a sudden. Why? Why did I carry this unrelenting fear? Why did I feel that I would suddenly hate being on trail the next time?

Before I ever started my journey on the AT, I was so excited and yet terrified of spiders, the dark, being filthy, injury, and so many other little fears. Once on my journey, those fears were all but eliminated leaving me w

It wasn’t clear until today when I took a small

hike to a waterfall. The moment I descended down a steep path through a river and up a slick rock face to find the waterfall I was searching for, it hit me. I was terrified of the PCT because I‘d forgotten to stay on trail. I forgot to keep my mind and body I tune with trail

demands. I hadn’t spent a night alone in a tent since January, and it showed. My body and soul seemed to forgot who I was. Luckily, it remembered today, suddenly.

I was beaming with joy as I made it back to the car completely at peace with the idea of a new thru-hike. Eventhough it won’t be for sometime, it call came back into clear view. Thru-hiking is MY THING. And I can’t wait to keep feeding my hunger until I can get back out there officially.